on occasions it'll cut deep.....enough to sever.
this nightmare, or perhaps the feelings it releases are those I've never felt before but at one time wanted more than life itself.
My first marriage was in 1990. That's a long time ago, an entire world away in many many ways. I could be describing the life of someone completely different, it feels that way.
Anyhow, by 1994 it was all over. The sense of loss is indescribable for one, the sense of freedom indescribable for the other. It changed me profoundly, mentally and physically. I lost 120 lbs in 3 months. but that year wasn't finished with me yet, I'd have to loose my mother to cancer first, then an entire house, its contents along with 3 cats and a car. Not forgetting a new job 300 miles away.
....and all I wanted was my wife back, my best friend.
I would fantasise about her coming back, I could feel the hot adrenaline well up inside me, sinuses clearing and the weight of my body would vanish. Elation personified
It would physically last for a second or two, but mentally, for days. I think sometimes that it saved me, other times it felt like a curse. 'Cos the comedown would be brutal. Ying and Yang, Black & white
I've been coming down for over 20 years now, I'll dream of those feelings, they are just as real as they were in 1994, I'll feel my sinuses crackle clear and the surge of elation throughout my body...... then the fall, crushing realisation you're back in your prison cell, having to shit in a bucket in front of the entire world...... and you deserve it.
THAT was this mornings delightful brush with mirtazapine. It physically drains me, I could sleep but I daren't, its one too many bad dreams/nightmares to cope with just now.
